being an Architect

was this the elusive feeling i was searching for
when i penned my thoughts down 2 years ago?
or the numerous moments i had thought of letting go?

when it was at the crunch time nearing TOP
the immensity of stress within me was always so great
i often stood alone at the same corner of the site
looking at this building which has taken shape
and thought to myself -
that i love this building, even though it's not perfect
many a times i stood looking at the 4 columns
this feeling just overwhelmed me
finally, i'm beginning to feel that i'm an Architect.
and that kept me going for the day.

when it had finally obtained TOP
and we had to conduct a rather raw trial stay
i sat right on the bay window
and pressed my face onto the glass facade
to soak it all in
and it felt really amazing
to be sitting in this building
which i had started from the feasibility study of the land tender
to the schematic and then detailed development stages;
the drafting of tender drawings, reports, and tedious project adminstration,
the countless rejections and repeated back-to-the-drawing board schemes
being just a young architect running a 140mil job,
and yet by nature of how the company is run, had to face the client alone;
the mind boggling coordination with all the sub-contractors of all the various trades because of a less-than-competent main contractor;
the thousands of steps i had to take at every weekly 5-hour site walks;
to face front-on the lashings & shouting-at by project managers, kicking of walls, slamming of helmets, hurling of water bottles...

at this point in time when the closure seems reachable
i truly am in a fully battered state
was it worth it - a question i've been running in my mind
i really do not know yet.
but to take it on one more time,
will take a lot out of me to do it wholeheartedly.

unless you are really able to let go and let others run it,
there's really place for only one or two at one time.
it takes so much out of you, there is very little left for anything else.
how sustainable is this? will i make this my life?
in my naivety, i'ld like to dream this could be my calling.
and yet, i'm also much inclined to realise my thought of unclenching my fists,
and just letting go.
is there an in between in this?
perhaps to hold with one hand and keep the other free?

my thoughts on 19.3.2011 at 1:50ish am -
4 years of hard labour.
4 years of tears, sweat, lashings, pain and joy.
and here i am sitting by the bay window,
which has undergone the shop drawings i've checked,
in the building which i have drawn with my left,
and cadded with my right.
he is the labour of my love
and my love ones who have supported me these years.